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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28656093">Tom is a No Good, Very Bad Sort of Hero</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroundloafofbread/pseuds/aroundloafofbread'>aroundloafofbread</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Because it's kind of short I think, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Epic, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Harry is a Little Shit, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I post this instead of sleeping, I will regret it tomorrow, M/M, Mini Epic, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Shamelessly making references, Tom Riddle is His Own Warning, Tom Riddle is a Hero, Which means the world is doomed, bwahahhaa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:27:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,177</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28656093</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroundloafofbread/pseuds/aroundloafofbread</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom is mistakenly turned into an epic Hero in the Land of Hogwarts. He has to defeat a dragon, save a princess and gain a Kingdom.<br/>But of course, nothing goes the way it should. It's Tom Riddle, after all.</p><p>He'd rather start on his plan of world domination. Preferably with that cutie named Harry.</p><p>AKA Tom is a shit to everyone except Harry. Nothing new amirite?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Albus Dumbledore/Gellert Grindelwald, Harry Potter/Tom Riddle, Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>202</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. In Which Tom Becomes A Hero</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayMarlow/gifts">MayMarlow</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolven_Spirits/gifts">Wolven_Spirits</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luxis/gifts">Luxis</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've written this really to start 2021 on a crack foot. This is very much a story to show my appreciation for y'all out there:<br/>To my dear beandits, thanks for being such chums and here's to another year of friendship, love and fun!<br/>To my dear readers and friends in the community who have been so supportive in the comments/kudos/bookmarks, this is my gift to you too, with so much thanks and love for sticking with me over these years and I hope you all will have a good and safe 2021!</p><p>And yes, this is a ridiculous story, full of crack. Of course there's crack. When have I ever written anything else?<br/>Remember that even if Tom is a hero, he's still a shitty human.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the land of Hogwarts, it is no surprise that heroes must save the princess by slaying the dragon. It is their destiny, and they must live it. Most of the time it works. Brave heroes with the golden finger of Luck (instead of the middle finger most people get) can achieve extraordinary success through extraordinarily illogical sequences of events. </p><p>The Hero who wants a princess no matter that he’s had a village sweetheart waiting for him; the King who offers the throne to a village bum to save his daughter, thinking he would never be the Hero; the Fairy who gives the Hero a magical sword and an impervious shield; the Dragon who for all its cunning and cruelty trips over its tail and is slayed by the mighty Hero; and the Princess who falls in love at first sight with just about the ugliest man she ever set her eyes upon. </p><p>Nobody questions these things. Well, nobody of note that is. </p><p>And so it went on, with every epoch came more Heroes, more Princesses and more Dragons. Until one day when Madame La Chance, the Minister of the Hogwarts Department of Heroic Idiocy, descended onto the land of Hogwarts and arrived at the door of an orphanage. She was to appoint a new babe as the next Hero of the Epoch, and very determined she was, until she chanced upon two very attractive young men in the inn next door. She was in the middle of a ménage à trois with Mr Dumbledore and Mr Grindelwald on the second floor of the inn when she flung her wand out of the window. </p><p>At that very moment, one Merope Gaunt had arrived outside the orphanage, collapsing from starvation and gravid with the babe she hoped to save. Madame La Chance’s wand, Dogwood, 12 and a quarter inches, so springy and swishy it could spiral like a mosquito coil, did a remarkable spin in the air before aiming and shooting silver sparks dead centre at Merope’s womb. </p><p>Her womb fairly glowed, and Merope found herself promptly going into labour. It was this very scene that Mrs Cole of the orphanage happened to see. In no more than a second, the streets were filled with nosy villagers, all clamouring about to witness the mark of the new Hero. They ooh-ed and ahh-ed with much gusto. How fortunate that Little Hangleton would be blessed with one this Epoch!</p><p>It was within this crush of bodies that Mrs Cole, finally coming to her senses, helped Merope to deliver the babe whose name Tom Marvolo Riddle was whispered on his mother’s last breath.</p><p>Madame La Chance whose squeals and moans were no longer ringing in her own ears peered out of the inn’s window with an undone bodice.   </p><p>“Oh dear,” she said, when she realised what had happened. It seemed the village orphan Billy Stubbs who was to be born the next day would never get to be Hero. She pondered her strategy for a moment. And as most politicians would tell you, there were only three ways to solve a problem that was very much created by themselves:<br/>
1)	Pretend they were not responsible for it and/or find a scapegoat<br/>
2)	Use someone or something else as a diversion for the time-being<br/>
3)	Create even more disasters so no one knew how to react and would certainly not remember the first problem by the end of it all</p><p>Madame La Chance decided to do all three. She sent a Patronus out and upwards to the Ministry in the Sky, claiming to have met a most notorious and evil wizard, Grindelwald, whom she had been unhappily deceived by. She then turned one Mr Dumbledore into a dragon whom she still found rather attractive. Lastly, she proceeded to mess up the allocation of every other key character of the Epic Hero Story of this Epoch, not least including Tom Marvolo Riddle as the new Hero and Albus Dumbledore as the Dragon. What an epic battle they would have!</p><p>Pleased, she left Little Hangleton and the land of Hogwarts a lot worse for wear. </p><p>It was the 31st of December. She had a year-end bonus to collect.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. In Which Tom Turns 20 In One Chapter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tom Marvolo Riddle grew up knowing he was different. It was impossible not to know, with everyone screaming in his ears about what a marvelous Hero he would be and how proud the village was of him. By the time he was 10, Tom knew better. </p>
<p>It was hard to put a finger on exactly what was wrong (not even the shining golden finger of Luck he had been blessed with), but there was something so ludicrous about the entire situation. Tom was not a good person. And weren’t Heroes supposed to be good? Or nice? Tom was at the very least a Bad sort of person. ‘Good’ gave him nausea and ‘nice’ gave him rampaging bowels for the rest of the day. </p>
<p>(Now it would be impolitic of us to judge too harshly. We must remember a tiny wee 10-year-old Tom had not yet learnt that ‘good’ and ‘nice’ were subjective terms. Or that they usually meant “Oh yes, there’s something positive about this person in er… the vaguest sense of it.”) </p>
<p>It only made sense for him to doubt the Hero label that had been so unwelcomingly foisted upon him. Consider these: he was tall for his age, intelligent for his age, and <em>remarkably handsome</em> if he did say so himself, with the most enviable jawline. Which meant at this point he was neither that tall nor that intelligent, but Tom was always very good at ignoring these inconvenient facts. </p>
<p>It was in sum, all the characteristics one would not associate with a hero. After all, a hero was to be as imbecilic as possible in order to show the power of fate, destiny and luck when they succeeded in life, and give everyone else the deep sinking realisation that there was nothing they could do about it. (There was of course another type of hero. The sort who had to undergo the worst sorts of trials and tribulations and end up with severe PTSD. Tom should count his lucky stars he was not named Harry Potter in another world.)</p>
<p>More importantly, Tom did not <em>want</em> to be a Hero. It meant he had to face people coming around just to gawk at him. Flatter him. Throw their sons and daughters at him so that one of them may play the role of the Hero’s Village Sweetheart (soon to be forgotten in pursuit of a princess, so really, no one would have to stick around Tom longer than necessary). Every other day when he turned round the corner of a street, there would be someone simpering at him. Oh yes, he hated the simpering most. He much, <em>much</em> preferred people whimpering. </p>
<p>So no, Tom didn’t <em>believe</em> he was a bad person. He <em>knew</em> he was a bad person, no matter how the village had deluded themselves into believing the opposite. He knew it as surely as he knew left from right and up from down (which was not always but Tom allowed himself to be deluded into <em>that</em>.)</p>
<p>In fact, he’d be willing to bet that he was a villain in almost every other universe. He might even be a Dark Lord, the sort that came only once every thousand years. It was very much the career path he wanted to be on. And… this hero thing couldn’t be set in stone, right? There had to be some sort of job mobility? Tom had a track record, an early head start and a positively glowing curriculum vitae for it.<br/>
*</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>Curriculum Vitae</p>
</div><table>
  <tbody>
<tr>
  <th>Victims</th>
  <th>Description of event and experience gained</th>
  </tr>
  <tr>
    <td>Billy Stubbs and rabbit</td>
    <td>When Billy Stubbs tried to bully him the first time, Tom displayed patience and stealth, waiting until the time was ripe to take Stubbs’ rabbit from his room. After meticulous preparation, Tom successfully hung the boy’s rabbit from the rafters. </td>
</tr>
  <tr>
    <td>Billy Stubbs and cronies</td>
    <td> The second time Stubbs came around with backup, who were much larger and stronger than Tom, Tom fought with cunning and defeated his foes with resounding success. This was achieved through clear commands when setting snakes on the boys and is a testament to Tom’s leadership capabilities. Tom also ensured Billy Stubbs would never speak again. </td>
  </tr>
  <tr>
    <td>Mrs Cole</td>
    <td>When Mrs Cole hit Tom with a switch twenty times in unjust punishment against his retaliation towards Billy Stubbs, Tom compelled her using high-level magic to put her hands into a boiling pot of soup. </td>
</tr>
  <tr>
    <td>Amy Benson and Dennis Bishop</td>
    <td>When a young couple Amy Benson and Dennis Bishop attempted to kidnap Tom, Tom showed his resourcefulness and skills of persuasion by leading them to a cave. They then had frightening hallucinations and never spoke again. This incident proved that Tom is very adept at creating silence. </td>
  </tr>
</tbody>
</table>
<p>*<br/>
(Clearly, no one told Tom how to write a CV.)</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Not everything went smoothly for Tom. Once, his arch-nemesis Dumbledore flew over from some island to pay him a visit when he was 11 and even attempted to speak to him. It ended in disaster with unintelligible roars, very large and very judgmental blue eyes staring at Tom and Dumbledore setting fire to Tom’s cupboard. Mrs Cole commanded a few orphans to bring buckets of water upstairs.<p>By the time they made it there, too much water had sloshed out onto the stairs and they arrived with more buckets than water. Needless to say, it was too late. The whole orphanage had caught fire and Tom’s room was burnt to a crisp. Tom lost not only the items he stole and kept in the cupboard, but also the items he kept in the box underneath the bed… and the items he kept inside one of the loose planks… and the items he hid up in the rafters… and the items he had sewn into the mattress. </p>
<p>That was not all. Dumbledore, with all the persistence of a dingleberry refusing to cease its clinging, returned every few years to repeat the same series of events. Therefore, Tom did not just dislike Dumbledore. No, he hated him with a vengeance. Tom would have set all the snakes in the world on that blasted dragon if he could. </p>
<p>But one good thing came out of it: Tom decided to keep his treasures in a much safer location. He kept them in a cave, surrounded by a lake and in that lake, were people he disliked ― which meant it was a good thing for Tom and a bad thing for just about everyone else who had the ill fortune to meet him. (Including one Amy Benson and one Dennis Bishop who were now stationed in that lake with nary a word of complain.)</p>
<p>But the world listened to the powerful, not the good, and so Tom could not find it in himself to regret anything he had done. Hero or not, of one thing he was absolutely certain: he was destined for greatness. And he would firmly take this greatness in hand and use it. Even if it meant he would become a Dark Lord instead of Hero. </p>
<p><em>Especially</em> if he could become a Dark Lord.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>By the time Tom turned twenty, he had become positively monstrous. The most charming villain disguised as a hero and a wolf in sheep’s skin. He was tall, handsome and walked with the confidence of one who knew that in time to come, the whole world would bow before him.<p>He felt no loyalty or care for the village and its residents’. Little Hangleton may have been proud of him and willing to throw their sons and daughters at him, but they did not care enough to welcome him into one of their homes and raise him as their own. Some believed that he would be better prepared for his future trials and tribulations if he were brought up in the orphanage. In some ways they were right. But when Tom left his village and headed towards the Gryffindor Kingdom, he promised himself that he would return victorious and burn Little Hangleton to the ground.</p>
<p>(Little Hangleton did, in fact, burn to the ground. Although it happened quite differently from what Tom imagined in his megalomaniac fantasies.)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. In Which Tom Meets His Fairy Godfather</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So touched by all the lovely comments so far! &lt;3 &lt;3 Big hugs, much love!</p><p>Did anyone think Harry would be the 'fairy'? Nope.</p><p>Friendly reminder: this fic is bullshitting itself into existence from start to end.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Every Hero had a fairy guide (or a wise wizard depending on which story you landed in) – this was the undeniable truth. Tom did not want either but if he had to choose, he’d take the fairy over the wizard. At least he could threaten to clip the wings of the fairy if it gave him trouble, but what would he do with the wizard? Clip the old man’s beard?</p><p>Admittedly, Tom harboured the slightest bit of curiosity on who his fairy godmother would be. It was interesting, in the loosest sense of the word. The fairy was likely just an unfortunate one assigned to meet certain KPIs such as setting him on the righteous path of a hero and leading him to the princess and dragon. Maybe an old one with a kindly face and greying hair. Or she could be stereotypically tiny with blond hair, large eyes and a dreamy expression. They would look unthreatening, of course. Frankly, Tom would have preferred an additional ‘Sidekick’ to a Fairy Godmother. They would at least help him with activities he considered chores.</p><p>The elusive ‘fairy godmother’ never appeared in Little Hangleton, so he’d suspected that whichever crook was sent to him would reveal herself only when he began his journey out of the village. He had delayed it by a few years, knowing that his magic was yet inadequate at 15 or 16, and deeply unwilling to play by the rules of Epic Adventures. Namely, that the protagonist had to set out early; young and therefore an easy victim to many of the foolish plot devices.</p><p>No, not Tom. At 20, he was now fully prepared and magically mature. As he stepped out of Little Hangleton, he possessed an air of confidence that he would not fall prey to others’ influences. Certainly not some trumped-up hack of a fairy godmo-</p><p>“Boy.”</p><p>-ther. What?</p><p>“Boy, come over.”</p><p>Tom spun to his left, eyes flashing dangerously. And that’s when he saw him. A tall figure in elegant dark robes, his pale blond hair that fairly <em>sparkled</em> was slicked back and reached his waist. Piercing grey eyes looked at Tom, as if judging his worth. His green gossamer wings were folded behind him and he had his hands folded over a snake-headed cane.  </p><p>A fairy.</p><p>Tom’s eyes narrowed. He held himself tense and ready to strike.</p><p>“Calm yourself,” the fairy said, “I am Lucius Malfoy, King of the Unseelie Court.”</p><p>Tom remained silent. Lucius, upon hearing no response, spread his arms out dramatically.</p><p>“I am your Fairy Godfather.”</p><p>Tom’s left eye twitched. There was something about that turn of phrase…</p><p>“The Unseelie King. I was led to believe most fairy… guides hailed from the Seelie Court.”</p><p>The fairy named Lucius dipped his head but barely, looking as proud and powerful as ever. “We find ourselves in unusual circumstances. And you are not what I expected either.”</p><p>“Then I must accept that you know who I am. And you have chosen to reveal yourself to me only now?”</p><p>Lucius shrugged. “You had no need for my services until you embarked on your journey. Regardless, I am bound by old magic to aid you now.”</p><p>Tom raised a single brow. “And what services would that be? What could you possibly help me with?”</p><p>In the next second, several other fairies revealed themselves, standing in uniformed rows behind Lucius. They wore menacing and ruthless expressions on their faces, some with dark glasses and others smoking from gnarled pipes. </p><p>“I would myself be too busy to spend every second at your beck and call, whatever old magic may urge me to. I do have my Court to oversee,” Lucius explained with a displeased expression. “But the Mob – the Death Eaters – shall be your family and aid you at every turn should you need them. From providing you directions to slaughtering your enemies in their sleep. You will find the Unseelie Court far more capable than the Seelie fairies.”</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>It seemed that Lucius took the role of Fairy Godfather <em>literally</em>. Tom knew something was wrong when he of all people had been selected as Hero. But with Lucius as his fairy… guide, he was certain that everything had gone more awry than he initially anticipated.</p><p>But Tom would not deny the usefulness of a fairy mob, mafia, Death Eaters, whatever they called themselves.</p><p>“Then I would like a guide now, to lead me to the Gryffindor Kingdom. Without any <em>perils</em> along the way,” Tom said, with a warning tone in his voice.</p><p>Lucius pondered for a moment, before crooking his finger at another fairy. One who looked far younger. He was lean and one could call him ‘pretty’. He had hair just as pale, with a pointed chin and a pair of eyes exactly like Lucius’. </p><p>“My son, Draco shall aid you. It would be good training for him.”</p><p>“I shall not disappoint you, Father,” the younger fairy said proudly, sticking his chest out.</p><p>Tom frowned. This fairy – Draco, was it? – seemed rather unreliable.</p><p>“He is young still; but a century old, and wet behind the ears,” Lucius warned, “should he prove himself incapable against the dangers during your journey, you may call on the Death Eaters.”</p><p>Draco walked over to Tom and handed him an amulet. “This will allow you to communicate with the Unseelie Court,” Lucius added as he watched his son take his place behind Tom.</p><p>Tom’s left eye twitched again. Was he supposed to help this old-man-baby-fairy gain life experience? Still, Tom thought it unwise to insult the Unseelie King. He had heard tales of how powerful the fairy was and acknowledged instantly that threatening to clip the fairy king’s wings could turn out very badly for himself.</p><p>“Very well,” Tom murmured.</p><p>Lucius inclined his head once more and waved his hand, causing a gust of wind to surround himself. His hair fluttered as he disappeared, leaving behind only sparkles. The Death Eaters bowed to Tom in unison before disappearing in a far less obnoxious manner. </p><p>Tom stared at the space they had occupied for a moment. It seemed there would be changes to his plans.</p><p>He tilted his head and spared Draco a sidelong glance. The old-baby-fairy might have been standing at attention and looking regal, but he could not hide the excitement sparkling in his grey eyes. His wings fluttered, and his bare toes (with silver-painted nails decorated with tiny emeralds that gave Tom sore eyes) wiggled. </p><p>“Take me to the Kingdom of Gryffindor. The first stop shall be a clothing store where you will procure me robes fit to wear in front of a king.”</p><p>“Your wish is my command,” Draco assured him. </p><p>Tom smiled. </p><p>This one, he could threaten to clip its wings.</p>
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